january 27th 2009
july 14th 2009
right now,
i feel angry.
i feel like i'm going to throw up.
i feel a sense of loss,
though i still have to experience
the void she's left behind.
i'll surely miss
our morning ritual in the bathtub.
i'll miss sharing my bed with her,
& falling asleep to the sound of her purring.
i'll miss her playfulness.
i said earlier
that i felt angry.
i feel angry at myself
for trusting fate.
i'm angry at igraine for her temerity,
thinking she could indefinitely pull the stunts she did,
without any consequences.
i'm just angry,
for losing what i thought could be a friend.
it seems like life will even deny me this much.
i shall remain alone.
igraine fell off the balcony
& met her doom eight floors below...
it's the landlord that contacted me
to tell me the news,
as i had been looking for her all over the appartment,
& even went to my neighbor's appartment
to check out if she weren't hiding out on his balcony.
when i went downstairs,
she had died already.
i couldn't bring myself to wrap her in her blanket
& put her in the carrier.
the landlord did it for me.
strange how i was able to take care of dying/dead people
without any problems,
but i couldn't deal with a dead cat...
because it was MY cat!!
that's why.
i'm still reeling from this event.
between the nausea & the splitting headache,
my thoughts & feelings are in a turmoil.
my confused state was all the more apparent
when i brought her to the vet,
to get properly disposed of.
when i was about to pay,
i couldn't even remember my n.i.p. number...
the vet was shocked at the news,
remembering seeing her just a month before,
when he fixed her...
who wouldn't be shocked?!?
i've found out the hard way
that cats don't have nine lives.
igraine had only one,
a short one,
a too short one.
why the fuck did this have to happen?????????
the saying goes to never go to bed angry...
i guess i'll have to live with that,
as there is just no way to fix this.
so be it.
she's gone.
farewell igraine.
i'll miss you,
ma canaille!!



Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

Oh my God!!!! This is terrible news!!

I have grown so fond of little Igraine and always thought she'd grow up to be the star that she is. :(

Poor little babe. She amazed us with things no other cat would do! I am so sorry for our loss, we Igraine's fans. :(

Hang in there, B.
Big Hugs, my friend.


@ wil:
i'm still reeling, about 10 hours after the fact. my mind is just a blank. just writing this here was agonizing. i've gathered all of her things throughout the appartment & put them in her room & closed the door. i feed at a standstill...
thanx 4 the hugz.

Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

It's hard for me, too. I got to be her uncle. :( I am sure seeing how empty the space she used to occupy is even harder for you. :(

We will get through this together.

May she rest in peace.


@ wil:
i'm stuck with this last image of her,
the rictus on her face, & the blood. she didn't die on impact, she suffered...even if only for a short while.

Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

Aww, I am sorry about that. She will always be remembered as the bundle of joy she was.

Has her grandma heard? She will be devastated. :(


@ wil:
i've sent the link to this post to my friends, so, they will know. i couldn't handle speaking about her over the phone...
i don't talk,
i write...
i have such a sense of failure right now.

Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

You're not to blame, my friend. Such is life. Such was little Igraine's destiny, you know.


@ wil:
well, yes, i am to blame.
i should have made it safer.
i thought those wood planks i had installed would keep her from going to my neighbor's balcony. i've already had a strong dislike for pidgeons, finding them a disgusting diseased creature. but now my dislike is close to homicidal as i know this is what drew her over there. pidgeons were nesting on my neighbor's balcony...
ever the huntress!! minutes before, she was cruelly playing with a fly she had captured...
i should have wrapped my balcony entirely with chicken wire...
too late now.

Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

What's done is done now, my friend. Had her destiny been different, she would be still here even if she had jumped off the Eiffel Tower.

Patience, mon ami.


@ wil:

Anonymous said...

Ooooooh noooooo!!! Bruno I sooooo know what you feel!!!
Igraine was 100% identic to my Tilou! Hyper cute (same colours!), super dynamic, canaille as well and FULL of life!!! And it's exactely that "full of life" part of them that brought them to live a VERY short life!!!
But I'm sure of one thing: Igraine had a WONDERFUL life with you! She was loved by someone, whatever she was doing: purr, jump in your bath, chew your toes, lick (aouch!) your nose... or simply look at you!
So please, don't feel guilty!Wilmaryad is right: it was her destiny!
Bruno, je compatis du fond du coeur, je sais combien c'est (et ce sera encore longtemps!) douloureux! Luv you!
Vanti xx


@ vanti:
je ne suis meme pas rentre travailler aujourd'hui. je fais le menage, je deplace les choses, pour enlever le cote familier ou je la retrouvais. j'ai besoin de retrouver un espace plus sain, exempt d'un surplus de souvenir.
ca finira bien par me passer, mais pour l'instant, c'est assez intense...
merci pour ton soutien.

Lucrecia Bloggia said...

Oh mon Cromagnon! Je connais cette douleur et je suis 100% avec toi.
Quel destin, quand même!
Wil a raison, jamais un ti-minou n'aura autant été aimé et apprécié. Et je sais à quel point tu en as pris soin et j'ai vu comment elle a été bien traitée.
Tu n'as aucun reproche à te faire.
Je t'aime très fort, et je souffre avec toi.


@ la bloggia:
j'en ai tellement pris bien soin qu'elle en est morte...
je gere pas tres bien la situation en ce moment...

linoue said...

Dear Igraine,
From the first day of your life, I knew you were special.
You were small but determined, a mind of your own.
When your brothers and sisters managed to easily climb out of the box, you struggled but did it too.
Always playfull, teasing others, hiding, you were the first to climb on my lap to put you to take a nap.

You shall be missed but always remembered little mini-Ben.

-grandma linoue

Dear Ticklebear,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know Igraine leaves a big hole in all our hearts.
You adopted Igraine and made her your princess, your muse and your friend.
She had a short life, but a wonderful life. A life many cats envy.

They say that when we die, we go to a better place.
In Igraine's case, I am worried that "cat heaven" may not meet her standards.


Twiggy & Goliath said...

Dear Igraine,
I had warned you to stay off the balcony. Did you listen?...NO!!!
Ticklebear did everything he could to keep you safe.
You still managed to be over-adventurous.
I am so mad at you right now Igraine.

I miss you my darling little kitten.

Twiggy & Goliath said...

Hey Igraine,
I heard about your accident. I am not sure I understand.
Anyways, I ran away yesterday. Grandma linoue was very upset.
She looked for me everywhere.
She then saw me crossing the street. Oh, she yelled, and yelled....
I am now grounded, no more outside.
Of course I will find a way to go outside again, I'm a cat.
Humans maybe intelligent, but we are clever.


@ 'ma linoue & family:
thank you "all" for your good words. i know igraine's memory will be cherished by more than one person.
humans are intelligent & cats are...stoopid!! don't get too smart for your own good & listen to 'ma linoue, you darn little brat.
we still know better, even if you think you are so clever. you ain't all that, boy!!!
@ twiggy:
i'm sorry i lost your little girl. a mother should never see the day where her youngs die before her...

Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

The number of birds and insects and everything that moves Igraine must be chasing up there is countless. :)

Ticklebear has refined her taste, sharpened her instincts and prepared her for a more luxurious lifestyle! ;)

In loving memory of a sophisticated kitten :)


@ wil:
from your mouth to god's ear.
may she be happy, wherever she is now. but i miss my pussy...